Have you ever caught yourself thinking, I’m not good enough, I have to be strong, or Everyone else’s feelings are my responsibility, you’re not alone.
Gabor Maté’s work has helped countless people understand that these thoughts are not random defects in your character. According to Dr Maté, they are adaptations, survival strategies wired into us when we were too young to choose otherwise.
Negative self-talk or negative self-beliefs is something many people experience every day and I see it in my own counselling work more times that I can count.
In this article I share what Maté’s recommends we can do to deal with these beliefs. The steps bellow is something you have to go through several time a day but as time passes you will have to do less and less times.
1. Relabel. This is a thought, not the truth.
Gabor Maté teaches that the first step is deceptively simple: call the belief what it is, a thought.
Not a fact. Not a verdict. Not an identity.
Just a thought.
Instead of saying, “I am weak,” you might say, “I’m having the thought that I’m weak.”
Instead of “I’m responsible for everyone’s feelings,” try, “I seem to believe I’m responsible for everyone’s feelings.”
It sounds subtle but it’s not.
When you relabel is this way, you are activating the observing part of yourself. The part that can notice mental content without being swallowed by it. You step back half a pace.
Gabor Maté is clear: the aim is not to crush the thought or argue it into submission. Trying to suppress it often makes it stronger. Nor is the goal to plaster over it with forced positivity. Shouting “I am amazing!” at a deeply embedded shame story rarely works.
You’re not trying to win a debate with your mind.
You’re gently taking the story off the “non-fiction” shelf and placing it back where it belongs, to fiction. Influential fiction, perhaps. Painful fiction. But fiction nonetheless.
And when it returns, because it will, you relabel it again. Calmly. Repeatedly. Like training a muscle.
2. Reattribute. This comes from somewhere.
Gabor Maté’s work consistently points us back to childhood. Not to blame our parents. Not to wallow. But to understand.
When you reattribute, you remind yourself that your brain sends you an old signal.
These beliefs were wired in when you were small and dependent. Maybe you learned that love was conditional. Maybe being helpful kept you safe. Maybe staying quiet prevented rejection or abuse.
According to Dr Maté, these neural circuits formed in an environment where you lacked what he calls the necessary conditions for healthy emotional development. This is not moral failing. It is a developmental reality.
Reattribution shifts the tone from self-blame to compassionate curiosity.
Instead of asking, what’s wrong with me?
You ask, what happened that made this belief necessary?
Gabor Maté emphasises that the presence of this belief says nothing about your worth. It is not proof of weakness. It is evidence of adaptation.
You didn’t ask for this programming. You didn’t deserve it.
What you do have now, and this is crucial in this process, is a choice in how you respond today.
3. Refocus. Buy yourself fifteen minutes.
Here’s where things get practical.
Gabor Maté draws on the idea that it’s not how you feel that defines you, it’s what you do next. Negative self-beliefs are like mental weather. Stormy, convincing, loud. But weather passes.
Refocusing is about buying time.
If you catch the belief trying to hijack your mood, choose something else to do. Go for a walk. Put music on. Do something with your hands. Move your body.
Dr Maté acknowledges that sometimes you’ll miss the moment. The belief will take over before you realise. That’s okay. This isn’t about perfection.
Your initial goal is low. Just fifteen minutes.
Instead of spiralling into shame, you interrupt the pattern. Physical activity often helps, but the key is that the activity needs to be something you genuinely enjoy.
You’re teaching your brain that it does not have to obey the old script every time it’s triggered.
Refocus is not avoidance. You are still in relationship with the belief. You’re simply not allowing it to steer the car.
4. Revalue. What has this belief actually cost me?
Now comes the audit.
Gabor Maté invites us to examine the real impact of these beliefs. If you have a life script like “I’m unworthy” or “I must never need anyone,” what’s the impact of this to your life?
Be specific.
Has it kept you distant in your marriage?
Stopped you applying for opportunities?
Left you isolated from friends?
Fuelled resentment?
Manifested as physical tension or illness?
Dr Maté’s trauma work reminds us that beliefs don’t live only in our thoughts. They live in the body. Notice what happens physically as you reflect on the cost. Tight chest? Gut tension?
This is not about shaming yourself for the past because you were just trying to survive.
It is about honesty.
And honesty includes acknowledging any short term benefits this belief gave you. Did it protect you from criticism? Kept you small enough to avoid attention? Shielded you from risk?
A thorough audit includes both costs and payoffs.
Millions of people carry similar stories. What makes this personal is not the mechanism, it’s your response to it now.
5. Recreate. Who do I choose to be?
If your identity has been shaped by automatic survival mechanisms, then much of your life has been reactive. Understandable, but reactive.
Recreation asks a different question. If I were not ruled by this old belief, how would I live?
What do you value?
What kind of father, partner, friend, or man do you want to be?
What kind of integrity feels right in your body?
Gabor Maté reminds us that the road to hell is not paved with good intentions, it is paved with lack of intentions. Recreation requires conscious choice.
Write your values down. Imagine living them. Imagine making eye contact without shame. Imagine responding from compassion rather than defence.
You are not going to get right straight away or every time, and that’s fine. It’s part of being human.
The more you practise relabelling, reattributing, refocusing, and revaluing, the more space you create to live intentionally.
And that is the heart of Gabor Maté’s work, to not fix yourself, but to free yourself.
You were never the problem. The script you have developed to survive is.
Now you get to choose what comes next.