If you are a gamer, or living with one, you are probably know a thing or two about the Dead Space franchise.
Dead Space is one of the goriest and scariest video games out there. It’s a video game that can guarantee you a decent amount of jump scares, tension and loads of body horror.
But behind the grotesque nectomorphs crowing its dark corridors, we also encounter Isaac Clarke’s struggle with grief, loss and a deteriorating mental health.
Throughout Dead Space and Dead Space 2, we follow Isaac in his battle to come in terms with the loss of his girlfriend, and love of his life, Nicole. Through his hallucinations, flashbacks, and desperate attempts to cope, the game offers a brutal but strangely insightful depiction of mourning.
As a counsellor in training, I’m able to see how someone’s grief journey reflect not just their sadness but also their shock, anger, despair, and the long road to acceptance. And for some reason my reflections send me back to the horror genre.
During our grief module the approach of two grief theorists in particular caught my attention. William Worden and Colin Murray Parkes. Like all grief theorists worth their salt, they also see the so called steps of grief not as a linear experience where we would have to get through each step in order and in a set time. Grief is not linear and it doesn’t have an expiry date. It will take as long as it you need it to take and you be bouncing through the steps throughout the process. One day you may be in peace with your loss and the next one you may be cursing God because of it. This doesn’t mean you took a step back, it means you are human and you are allowed to process your grief the way you need to process it.
Grief also doesn’t always mean we have necessarily the person we have lost passed away. We can grief for broken relationships like estranged family member or the break down of long lasted friendships.
Isaac’s battle with grief becomes more tangible in Dead Space 2 in the aftermath of the first game where he still had some hope Nicole will be safe and sound.
The ‘4 Steps’ are mentioned over and over again in the course of the game but the 4th one remains a bit elusive and no one seams to be able to recall.
Step 1: Crawl inside the dark machine.
Step 2: The screws go tight, all around. Cross my heart and hope to die.
Step 3: Stick a needle in your eye.
Only after Isaac's admittance of why can’t let go of Nicole, her ghost reminds him the last step.
Step 4: Acceptance
As those steps kept replaying in my head, I started to think that there is more to them that some steps Isaac needs to go through in order to reach the final boss. I started to see parallels with the steps of grief as coined by William Worden and Colin Murray Parkes. I intentionally left Gruger-Ross out as her steps have more to do in coming to terms with our own imminent death, something I will be exploring elsewhere.
I will also not go through each of the two theories separate but I will blend them together as I believe there is true to both and we can go through both of them during the same period in any order.
Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning
William Worden, in Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy, describes mourning as an active process, something we work through rather than simply experiencing.
- Accept the reality of the loss
- Work through the pain of grief
- Adjust to a world without the deceased
- Find an enduring connection with the deceased while moving forward
Parkes and the Phases of Attachment Loss
Colin Murray Parkes, influenced by John Bowlby’s attachment theory, see things from a slightly different angle. He argues that grief is the natural response to the breaking of an attachment bond, and that it unfolds as:
- Numbness or Shock
- Yearning and Searching
- Disorganisation and Despair
- Reorganisation and Recovery
Step 1: Crawl inside the dark machine.
The news of the loss of a loved one can hit us really hard. ‘Your father was killed in a car accident’ or ‘I don’t want to ever see you again’ both are sudden news that someone who love deeply won’t be part of our lives any more.
The numbness, shock and pain will feel like we are crawling through a dark and claustrophobic tunnel similar to the Isaac’s dark machine. The uncertainty of what or who we are going to become as we crawl through this dark tunnel can be paralysing. We don’t want to imagine a life without them but yet we can’t do anything about it other than keep crawling. Deeper into darkness, deeper into uncertainty, deeper into our new identity.
Accepting the reality of our loss is possible the hardest part of griefing. Many times it happens so fast and without any sign, or maybe the signs where there but we were unable to see them, that our brain can’t cope and goes numb in an attempt to block the bad news.
We can accept it intellectually but accepting it emotionally… that’s a completely different story, something that can leave us exhausted.
Step 2: The screws go tight, all around. Cross my heart and hope to die.
The exhaustion that comes trying to cope with the pain of loss can bring us to a point of wishing not to be alive any more. The pain can be unbearable, we may even experience hallucinations like Nicole’s ghost that keeps following Isaac. Sometimes to torment him sometimes to push him forward. James Sunderland in Silent Hill has Pyramid Head, Isaac Clark has Nicole’s ghost.
Numbness won’t leave up completely after we go through the notions of the initial shock. It will keep coming back when the pain of the screws going tight is so unbearable that we will want to pull our head out to make it stop. Dissociation can be a great coping mechanism to help us stay sane. Although dissociation can help us in the short term, it’s not a very healthy coping mechanism for the long term. Burying the feelings of anger, despair and guilt it won’t make to magically go away. They will always be there under the surface, slowly deteriorating our mental and physical health. Many times we will need the help of a good counsellor to offer us a safe space to explore and express all those feelings without the fear of being judged or made to feel lucky because we are still young or alive or to count our blessings. Grief counselling can help you to learn to live with your loss within your own time frame. Hopefully will make to cross your heart and not wishing to die.
Step 3: Stick a needle in your eye.
Of course, I’m not suggesting self-harm as a form of coping with grief. After Isaac crawls into the dark machine, he has to stay still while he guides a needle into his eye in order to unlock his memories and the secrets of the marker and how to destroy it.
It’s a painful experience but through his pain, he is able to move towards the 3rd act of the game, to the final boss and the end of this part of his journey.
Grief and the sense of loss come with a lot of pain, and most times than not a small or a bigger part of our selves die as well. This is exactly how I felt when my relationship with one of my closest friends broke down with no hope of reconciliation. I griefed for losing a friend so dear to me, and I griefed for that part of my self who also died as a result of this event, and I still grief the good moments of my life I’d want to share with them but I’m unable to do.
Adjusting into a world that your loved ones are missing is not a pleasant experience, and can leave us with a sense of disorientation. Things sometimes may need to get worse before they get better. It’s part of our healing journey.
The life we knew before the loss is not coming back and, in one way or another, we will have to adjust into our new reality.
Because the pain is very real and our recovery so important I can’t overemphasize the benefit of seeing a good grief counsellor.
Only through acceptance I was able to move forward into a life without them in it.
Step 4: Acceptance
Acceptance it’s not about forgetting or pretend the loss never happened. It’s more about coming into terms with it and adjusting into a life without them. If we have lost our beloved through death, is about honouring and celebrating their life and memory, it’s about remembering the good and silly moments we have shared together. Acceptance is also acknowledging the reason we can’t let go of our loss, finding our ‘why’ we still hold on so firmly.
Grief from broken relationships I find a lot more complex. I did my grief work, I have griefed for my loss and I have come to terms with the idea there is no going back. The events leading to the loss of the friendship and the memories of the pain around them overshadows all the great moments we have shared together.
I’m not sure if I have the answer you are looking for latter but I know for a fact that sitting with a counsellor online it helped me to reach some sort of acceptance.
Because you were my everything. And if I let you go, I’ve got nothing left. Isaac admits to Nicole’s ghost.
To which she replies, Step four: Acceptance. Now you’re ready to finish this.
By openly admitting the true reason Isaac can’t let go of his guilt around Nicole’s death he is now able to take the first step towards a new reality where Nicole is gone and tormenting himself with guilt it’s not sustainable.
Isaac couldn’t prevent nor predict her death.
Acceptance is the beginning of our healing journey.
How long it will take to get there? I wish I had an answer. It will take as long as it needs to take.
If you feel lost in grief please reach out to a grief counsellor near you or online