Who’s voice is this?
A question I often ask my clients
You mess up an easy job or you snap at your kid for something small and that voice in your head goes off before you've even had time to feel bad.
You are useless!
Should have known better.
No decent man would have acted this way.
This voice is not loud. It doesn’t shout from the rooftops. It’s subtle and ancient, flat and full of vile poison. It almost feels like your own thoughts.
If you know what I’m talking about, know that you're not broken and you're not the only one. This voice exist in the heads of many men and it’s something they bring into online counselling more often than you may think, even if this is not what got them in therapy in the first place.
Most men don't book counselling session and say I want to talk about my inner critic. They come in stressed, drinking more than they'd like to admit, snapping at people they love, or they just feel flat. It's only after our work goes a little deeper that we get to put a name on the voice.
Ready to actually talk about that voice with someone who gets it
What is the inner critic?
The inner critic isn't a personality flaw and it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, no matter what it tells you. It's part of you, and it exists in one form or another inside everyone. Think of it as an inner parent, formed long ago to keep you safe.
Our inner critic is something like an inner parent and often behaves in the same way our parents or carers used to behave.
If you were raised in a nurturing way where love and affections were a given and you didn’t have to earn them, this voice is more like a mentor encouraging you to be the best version of yourself.
If the people who raided you, used to shame you when you got something wrong and you had to earn their love and affection then you end up with the voice of the Critical Parent or an inner critic who tortures you day and night for every small imperfection in your life, telling you that you are a piece of shit.
The funny thing is, the inner critic wants to do better and have a good life but the way it manifest is not the healthiest. If you were raised in an environment where you were shamed for simple being your self, the voice of your inner parent will talk to you in a similar manner.
The problem is that this part was built to protect a much younger version of yourself but that you are 40, with a mortgage, kids and a business to keep afloat it’s still there, running the same old software.
For a lot of men I work with, affection was tied to performance, rarely unconditionally. Criticism came fast and loud, or with the silent treatment that stung more than shouting ever could.
How the inner critic shows up in men specifically?
Because the inner critic in men rarely announces itself as self criticism, it shows up disguised as irritability that seems to come from nowhere. You may snap at your kids or at your partner even over petty things. And this is when the wave of guilt comes (sooner or later), somehow turns into a self attack. Working later than you need to because stopping feels like admitting you're not enough. A drink to switch the voice off for an hour. Going quiet with your partner because if you can't say it the right way, you'd rather not say it at all.
From the outside, none of this looks like you are being hard on yourself. It looks like stress, or a short temper, or a man who's just a bit stoic. Under the bonnet though, more often than not it’s that voice that never take a minute off.
What it costs you and the people around you?
Left unchallenged, this voice won’t just make you feel bad about your self, it will shape your entire existence. Men stay in jobs they hate because leaving feels like failure. Men avoid trying new things because there's no point taking risks to feed this inner troll. Men go quiet in relationships at the xact moment they need to speak, because admitting struggle feels like the voice was right all along.
There's also a cost to the people who love you. Kids don't need a father who never gets it wrong. They need one who can be wrong, say so, and still like himself afterwards. They need a father who fucks up and has the balls to be vulnerable and ask forgiveness. That's a hard thing to model when you can't do it for yourself first.
What actually helps with self-critisism
This isn't about making the voice to stop or to convince yourself you're amazing every morning in the mirror.
Self affirmations don’t work anyway.
Your inner critic is a demon old as time itself. Your forced positivity won’t scare it away and it will come back with a vengeance to make you feel even worse.
What tends to actually shift things is slower and more honest than that. It starts with getting curious about the voice rather than obeying it or fighting it, notice it when it turns up, whose tone it's using, what it's actually trying to protect you from.
In counselling this often means going back to find out who’s voice is this. Not to blame anyone, but to understand from where did you inherited it. From there it's about practising a different internal relationship, one where you can hold yourself accountable without the urge to punish yourself. Firm and kind aren't opposites. Most men have just never been shown what this combination looks like as an act of self compassion.
If you're reading this about someone else
If you've landed here because you're worried about a partner, a brother, a mate, or your own dad rather than yourself, here a few things worth knowing. You can't argue out one’s inner critic with logic or reassurance, however true your words may be. Rarely lands the way you want it to. What tends to help most times, is simply not adding to the pile. Avoid jokes about how hard he is on himself, even affectionate ones, subconsciously they can land closer to confirmation than comfort.
Make a point of them doing something well. Don’t make a fuss about it but rather keep it subtle. A man who fights his inner critic for decades can easily deflect or take it as patronising.
And if he ever does open up, even slightly, resist the urge to offer solution or rescue. Just listen.
We live in a time where men have started to talk more and more by the day. But someone needs to be there willing to truly listen.
You don't have to carry this burden alone either, whether it's you doing the worrying or you living with the voice yourself. Counselling can help you both.
Talk to someone about the voice that never lets you off the hook
George Papachristodoulou. Qualified Psychotherapist
Frequently Asked Questions
Why am I so hard on myself all the time?
Self criticism that goes for too long is usually a learned pattern from earlier in life, often shaped by environments where love or approval felt conditional on performance or toughness. It's a protective mechanism rather than a characher flaw, and it can be unlearned with the right support.
Is being hard on yourself a sign of depression?
It can be. Persistent self criticism is closely linked with both anxiety and depression, and often shows up as irritability or numbness in men before it's recognised as self criticism at all. If it's affecting your daily life, it's worth speaking to a counsellor.
Can counselling actually help with a harsh inner critic?
Yes. Counselling gives you space to understand where that voice comes from, notice when it's running the show, and gradually build a different, more balanced relationship with yourself rather than trying to silence the voice through willpower alone.