For many people raised in fundamentalist or Pentecostal churches, leaving the church is rarely a single dramatic moment. It is a slow, often painful unravelling, a quiet accumulation of doubt, discomfort, and finally, the courage to walk away. It is a story lived by thousands of exvangelicals every year, yet rarely spoken about openly.
Religious trauma, faith deconstruction, and spiritual abuse are terms that have only recently entered our collective vocabulary, giving language to experiences many people carried in silence for years. Whether it was the fear of Hell, rigid gender roles, purity culture, or the suffocating weight of shame, those who grew up female in high-control religious communities often describe a grief that is hard to explain to outsiders, the loss not just of a belief system, but of an identity, a community, and a sense of self.
Following the publication of my article on rupture anxiety, I received an email from a woman raised in a Pentecostal church in Greece. We will call her A. It turned out we had been members of the same denomination, and like me, she had walked away. After exchanging a few emails about our shared experiences within the walls of the church, I asked whether she would be willing to share her journey in a form of an interview. She said yes.
This is part one of her story. Each part stands alone and can be read independently.
This is her story.
Tell a little about your faith journey. Your understanding of God before joining the church, and when you first joined?
I was born and raised in Greece. My parents joined a Pentecostal church when I was about five years old, so I had very little experience with religion and the overall concept of God until then. I knew that Greek people are Orthodox Christians, they go to church, light candles, have paintings of saints in their home, do the sign of the cross, etc. However, my parents had never taken me to Orthodox Christian sermons or masses. All I knew was that there is a God, he exists, he is very important, and people worship him. This became more apparent to me around Christmas time.
What was your understanding of God as a young girl/woman growing up in this church based on their beliefs about women?
After being in the church for a few years, I learned that God is omnipresent, omniscient, all-powerful, and all-knowing. He has the power to do anything and everything. He is our Father, he created us, and he loves us more than anything. However, I also learned at a very young age that if we do not give ourselves over to him, follow his teachings and obey him to the letter, we would not go to Heaven after this life is over, but rather burn in Hell for all eternity. This was essentially the full concept of “God” taught to me since the age of five. There were no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Looking back on it now, that’s a very scary concept to impose on a small child at sermons multiple times a week and within the household. But still, God was good then. God loved children, and children are always innocent in his eyes. At least that was my personal understanding. After transitioning from childhood to adolescence, a lot of things changed. Everything became stricter, sin was now a bigger “risk”, and it became quickly apparent to me that being a girl had repercussions. I was different. Firstly, I was no longer a child; I was a pre-teen, then a teenager, soon to be an adult. Everything became about modesty and purity. God was no longer just all-loving. He was the all-seeing eye that watched what I wore, what I said, and who I spoke to. Secondly, I became more aware of the specific gender roles in this church, what was expected of me and what was out of bounds. My idea of God was certainly tested during my teenage years, as it became something to fear, rather than find comfort in.
I’m aware a few stories from people who left the church as young adults to return a few years later and become even more devoted/fanatic. This didn’t happen in your case. What keeps you from rejoining? What made you say, “That’s it, I’m not going back”
I had been in and out of the church for a few years during my “leaving the Church” journey. But I was definitely considered an apostate throughout. I can confidently say that none of the times I returned strengthened my faith or sparked a desire within me to stay. I would always return essentially out of fear of ending up in Hell when I die or missing the Rapture when it happens and being left behind. I also felt the significant burden of disappointing my parents when I would go to church less, until I stopped. A couple of times, I returned after a major disappointment in my personal life, thinking this is my only chance of being happy, even if my values and beliefs don’t align with this community and their practices. I thought, “I’ll pray for God to change me and make me the way I should be”. Of course, that didn’t work. The deciding moment for me was after about 7 or 8 years of battling with the “returning to the church-leaving the church” battle. I was attending a youth group gathering at a churchgoer's house, in my long, modest dress with T-shirt sleeves, no make-up on, bible in hand, just looking around me and thinking: ”I don’t belong here, this isn’t for me. I’m not happy here, but it’s OK, I’ll figure it out”. That was my guttural impulse at the time, but thinking it over all through these years, what keeps me from returning is the core values of this church. The strict rules on who is “worthy” and who isn’t, the gender roles, the clear statement that men are above women, the stance on LGBTQAI+ people, the control, the constant threat of Hell, and the judgment I personally felt pretty much every day.
Read part 2 here