Some stories don't need much introduction the second time around. If you've been here from the beginning, you already know A. If this is your first stop, you can catch up with part one here.
Either way. Her story continues.
A's experience growing up female in a Pentecostal fundamentalist church in Greece is one that many exvangelicals will recognise. The rigid gender roles, the fear of Hell, the slow and painful process of leaving a high-control religious community. For those who have carried the weight of religious trauma, or who are somewhere in the middle of their own faith deconstruction, her words have a way of landing somewhere deep.
What is your understanding of God/Divine right now? Do you follow another Christian or spiritual tradition and how does this make you feel?
I think I have a pretty vague personal idea of the Divine at this time in my life; then again, I’m not actively searching for a spiritual path. I would say I’m letting it come to me organically. If I had to put it in words, I would say “divine” is knowing and truly loving ourselves, respecting our fellow humans and animals, and not believing we are separate from nature. “Divine” is knowing people, animals and the planet are here together, now, because of a cosmic fluke. We are navigating and experiencing the world in this body, in this mind, and we get to choose every day to be kind, loving and peaceful.
Did you experience any tension with your family when you decided not to go back to church? Are there any tensions now if you meet any of the members who are still in the church?
At first, I would say there was some pushback when I slowly, but steadily, stopped attending sermons. My family would appear genuinely disappointed whenever they asked if I had gone to church last Sunday, and I would say “no”. They would ask me “why” and urge me to keep going. This would eventually turn into sporadic lectures, including exclamations of “where did we go wrong” and resigned sighs of “I’ll pray for you”. My parents would express their disapproval when I would do something ‘’worldly’’, such as get piercings or tattoos, or go to concerts. I believe now that they did this because the mentality of the church has conditioned them to feel obligated as parents to oppose ‘’worldly’’ behaviour and not let it slide without any comment. My relationship with my family otherwise continued as normal. There was no intense friction or shunning. I was never excluded. Today, the topic of the church rarely ever comes up. I face no pressure to return, and I hardly hear any critical comments on myself or my lifestyle. I see my family as often as I can, and I feel I can discuss openly with them about any topic or social issue, even if our views rarely overlap.
Were there specific teachings or sermons about women that stuck with you? How did they make you feel at the time?
The teachings or rules regarding women specifically seemed to be peppered throughout the sermons I listened to while in the church, but would also be parroted by the members in casual conversation at gatherings. Every time a phrase began with the words “women should…”, I would cringe, as the sentence that followed rarely ever sat right with me. It was the general concept of dividing men and women, but also the specific views on women or rules that applied to women only, that made me feel different and “less than”. I knew growing up that these were misogynistic views and practices, even though I was too young to put it into words. It was more like a gut feeling, my intuition.
Some specific examples have indeed stayed with me. Many a time I heard from the pulpit that “women must serve their husband, as their husband serves God”, that women must be “modest and prudent”, that “women should be careful as not to tempt men with the way they dress”. Women in this church also cover their heads during prayer, as praying without a head covering is shameful. Men do not cover their heads while they pray; this shame does not apply to them. They may pray before God as they are.
Of course, as in most fundamentalist churches, women are forbidden from teaching the Bible and giving sermons. That is something only a man can do. “Women serve God in other ways within the Church”, I was told when I questioned this, “for example, by cleaning the church or providing food at gatherings”. “The man is the head of the house” was a big pill to swallow for me. I would sometimes ask, “Why can’t both the wife and husband be the heads of their household?” The answer, as always, was some iteration of “It says so in the Bible”.
Another point of contention was women’s appearance. At the time I attended the church, the way young women dressed seemed to always be discussed or brought up in sermons. You couldn’t get away from the topic. For context, trousers, jewelry, and make-up are big no-nos. So, whether it was being scolded for wearing a silly little plastic bracelet, putting on pink-tinted lip balm, or wearing a skirt that was a centimeter or two above the knee, girls and young women, at least at that time and place, seemed to always be under the microscope. I remember very vividly that before the 2010’s, skirts and dresses were not at all in fashion and practically absent from any clothes shop. Everywhere you went, it was jeans, trousers and sweatpants. Therefore, the only skirts my generation of church-going teenagers could feasibly wear were some of the ugliest pieces of clothing I can remember. And of course, while out in the world, I would stand out like a sore thumb, wearing skirts I hated, and not the jeans I loved. There was no choice in the matter. If anyone remembers being a self-conscious teenager, they can imagine what this can do to a young girl’s confidence and sense of bodily autonomy.